Comfort Is Not Our Greatest Need
>> 11/16/10
Healthy relationships provide a place where we are accepted and loved for who we are. They are a safe haven in the midst of an often turbulent life. Most of us welcome and cherish the considerable comfort they provide.
A problem occurs when comfort is made a higher priority than the love and acceptance which create it. Love and acceptance are concerned mostly with what is best for others. Comfort concerns itself primarily with what is good for us. Preoccupation with self is never a good means of nurturing a healthy relationship.
In a world where hurtful experiences abound, prolonging comfort is a natural response. We long to linger in a moment where the relationship nurtures and sustains us. But time cannot be halted and we can’t live forever in what is or has been.
Most relationships reach a point where certain expectations arise. Those that are valid grow out of a mutual understanding negotiated between individuals. Those that are not are mostly the result of assumptions made on one or both sides of the relationship. Assuming begins at the point where meaningful conversation ceases. Assumptions are a sign that our expectations are being substituted for clear communication.
Assuming that the bond shared with a significant other will remain unchanged is unrealistic. Relationships are a dynamic venture between persons as they grow and share life over time. Restricting their development makes them less rather than more. Those that thrive possess a commitment and flexibility which accommodates the changes experienced through the growth of both parties.
Our preoccupation with personal comfort signals a shift in focus from what we give to the relationship to what we take from it. Selfish motives never nourish the relationship the way selflessness can. Selfless giving opens the door for others to respond in kind. A spiral of mutual generosity imparts life to the partnership. Without selfless love relationships cannot thrive.
Respecting and accepting the way people change over time is a necessary act of hospitality. Love welcomes the personal development of others out of a desire for them to become all they can be. Space is granted so life can be embraced more fully. Two people must be committed to growing personally and together over time if a healthy union is to be maintained.
Inhibiting another’s growth is never an expression of love. We assume the relationship is being protected by our actions. In reality we don’t want those we love to grow beyond us, to a place we are unwilling to go. Maybe that’s laziness on our part. Or maybe it’s fear. Relational laziness is little more than being afraid to invest our time and energy on behalf of another.
Ultimately a choice must be made. Either we grow with those we love or insist they fail to grow with us. One of those choices is healthy. The other is not.
We often assume personal choices impact ourselves alone. But our commitment (or lack thereof) to personal growth influences every relationship we know. A lack of personal development leaves us with less to contribute to all our relationships and fails to inspire growth in those we love. In turn, their lack of growth is less than inspiring for us. All of life becomes less than it should be because we fail to honor the need for growth in ourselves and others.
The converse of that principle is also true. Our personal growth has the potential to enrich all our relationships as we invest ourselves in others and invite them to follow suit.
Giving people room to become over time is a matter of generosity and mutual respect. It's one of the greatest gifts we can bestow and a clear indication of our maturity and commitment. Selfishness and immaturity are responsible for the demise of a high percentage of relationships. Those terrible twins are expressions of fear that leave us plateaued in our personal development and paralyzed in our personal relationships.
Because of the trust and commitment which exists between ourselves and another we can give them room to do new things and explore new opportunities. An unwillingness to grant that space means we don't trust their motives. Relationships cannot survive when people no longer exercise mutual trust. You cannot love people fully in whom you cannot place your full confidence. Loving or being loved halfheartedly is never a fulfilling experience.
The desire for comfort leaves us settling for relationships which are less than satisfying but which are more easily controlled. Sameness is often comfortable in the short term. When practiced long term it becomes the perpetrator of relational death.
Creating a more fulfilling bond requires that we no longer limit love to the boundaries of our assumed expectations. Providing those we love with room to grow and become brings a sense of newness and adventure to the life we share. Their wellbeing is placed at a higher priority than our personal comfort. We demonstrate a willingness to grow with them as they grow with us while making life’s journey together.
It’s true that this way of loving involves risks and for that reason is sometimes less than comfortable. But then, nothing is more comforting than loving fully and being fully loved. Comfort is not our greatest need.
Love is.
A problem occurs when comfort is made a higher priority than the love and acceptance which create it. Love and acceptance are concerned mostly with what is best for others. Comfort concerns itself primarily with what is good for us. Preoccupation with self is never a good means of nurturing a healthy relationship.
In a world where hurtful experiences abound, prolonging comfort is a natural response. We long to linger in a moment where the relationship nurtures and sustains us. But time cannot be halted and we can’t live forever in what is or has been.
Most relationships reach a point where certain expectations arise. Those that are valid grow out of a mutual understanding negotiated between individuals. Those that are not are mostly the result of assumptions made on one or both sides of the relationship. Assuming begins at the point where meaningful conversation ceases. Assumptions are a sign that our expectations are being substituted for clear communication.
Assuming that the bond shared with a significant other will remain unchanged is unrealistic. Relationships are a dynamic venture between persons as they grow and share life over time. Restricting their development makes them less rather than more. Those that thrive possess a commitment and flexibility which accommodates the changes experienced through the growth of both parties.
Our preoccupation with personal comfort signals a shift in focus from what we give to the relationship to what we take from it. Selfish motives never nourish the relationship the way selflessness can. Selfless giving opens the door for others to respond in kind. A spiral of mutual generosity imparts life to the partnership. Without selfless love relationships cannot thrive.
Respecting and accepting the way people change over time is a necessary act of hospitality. Love welcomes the personal development of others out of a desire for them to become all they can be. Space is granted so life can be embraced more fully. Two people must be committed to growing personally and together over time if a healthy union is to be maintained.
Inhibiting another’s growth is never an expression of love. We assume the relationship is being protected by our actions. In reality we don’t want those we love to grow beyond us, to a place we are unwilling to go. Maybe that’s laziness on our part. Or maybe it’s fear. Relational laziness is little more than being afraid to invest our time and energy on behalf of another.
Ultimately a choice must be made. Either we grow with those we love or insist they fail to grow with us. One of those choices is healthy. The other is not.
We often assume personal choices impact ourselves alone. But our commitment (or lack thereof) to personal growth influences every relationship we know. A lack of personal development leaves us with less to contribute to all our relationships and fails to inspire growth in those we love. In turn, their lack of growth is less than inspiring for us. All of life becomes less than it should be because we fail to honor the need for growth in ourselves and others.
The converse of that principle is also true. Our personal growth has the potential to enrich all our relationships as we invest ourselves in others and invite them to follow suit.
Giving people room to become over time is a matter of generosity and mutual respect. It's one of the greatest gifts we can bestow and a clear indication of our maturity and commitment. Selfishness and immaturity are responsible for the demise of a high percentage of relationships. Those terrible twins are expressions of fear that leave us plateaued in our personal development and paralyzed in our personal relationships.
Because of the trust and commitment which exists between ourselves and another we can give them room to do new things and explore new opportunities. An unwillingness to grant that space means we don't trust their motives. Relationships cannot survive when people no longer exercise mutual trust. You cannot love people fully in whom you cannot place your full confidence. Loving or being loved halfheartedly is never a fulfilling experience.
The desire for comfort leaves us settling for relationships which are less than satisfying but which are more easily controlled. Sameness is often comfortable in the short term. When practiced long term it becomes the perpetrator of relational death.
Creating a more fulfilling bond requires that we no longer limit love to the boundaries of our assumed expectations. Providing those we love with room to grow and become brings a sense of newness and adventure to the life we share. Their wellbeing is placed at a higher priority than our personal comfort. We demonstrate a willingness to grow with them as they grow with us while making life’s journey together.
It’s true that this way of loving involves risks and for that reason is sometimes less than comfortable. But then, nothing is more comforting than loving fully and being fully loved. Comfort is not our greatest need.
Love is.
4 comments:
Indeed it is. There's a quote I've seen out there somewhere that says something like "love is all things and everything." This reminded me of that, and I know that stuck with me because it's true.
1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind Lesley. Thanks for reading.
I can not even begin to tell you it sounds like you were present in our lives last few weeks and listened to our conversations. In fact, when Larry and I looked briefly at this last night, he asked if you and I had been "talking". At this point all I can say that I couldn't have agreed more. Perfect timing, and wonderfully put.
Hey, I love your blog and try my best to read it every day. If you don't mind I am going to post a link to it on my new blog. Thanks for everything you have wrote and keep at it!
http://nonrunnerrunningguide.blogspot.com/
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